Fearless
by Lon-Dubh
Summary: Sequel to Scared. No matter how much you wish to forget, how fast you run, you can never truly leave your past behind you.
1. Prelude

**Hello everyone. I am deeply sorry that you have had to wait so long for me to begin the sequel to ****Scared****. I've started school and am taking several honors and double-honors classes, so I have been receiving a lot of homework. I'm also currently doing volleyball, so that further complicates things… Anyways, I will always be updating at least once to three times every weekend, alternating with my other story, ****Cygnus****. I can't promise how often I will update in the school week, but I will promise I will be updating as much as possible.**

**Disclaimer****: I do not own ****Twilight****, any of the associated sequels, or any of the characters in said books. No copyright violation is intended. Also, I do not own the poem, ****Tears, Idle Tears. ****That is Lord Alfred Tennyson's.**

**And also, many thanks to my wonderful beta, lizbre. **

**Please enjoy the first chapter, or should I say prelude, of**** Fearless.**

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_Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,_

_Tears from the depth of some divine despair_

_Rise in the heart, and gather in the eyes,_

_In looking on the happy autumn-fields,_

_And thinking of the days that are no more._

_Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,_

_That brings our friends up from the underworld,_

_Sad as the last which reddens over one_

_That sinks with all we love below the verge;_

_So sad, so fresh, the days that are no more._

_Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns_

_The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds_

_To dying ears, when unto dying eyes_

_The casement slowly grows a glimmering square;_

_So sad, so strange, the days that are no more._

_Dear as remembered kisses after death,_

_And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned_

_On lips that are for others; deep as love,_

_Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;_

_O Death in Life, the days that are no more!_

Tears. What are they, anyways?

Fluid. A kind of salty water. Saline.

But what are they, truly?

The expression of profound happiness, or deep melancholy? The mark that you can feel, that you can love, that you can hate? That you can know the world with a sense of passion?

And what happens, then, when you find you cannot cry? When you could witness a hundred deaths, a thousand hopeless desires, a million broken dreams, and never shed a tear?

Does that make you soulless?

Or perhaps we attach far too much attention to what we call tears. They are only physical, after all. Only visual. Surely, what counts, is what you truly feel.

It should be. But is it?

I may be have been happy. I may have been hopelessly in love and blissfully blind. I may be proud. I may be fearless.

But I find all I particularly wish to do is to be able to cry.

Just to feel the long forgotten sensation of burning in my eyes. A warm tear slide down my cheek, then gently falling. Just to taste the mildly salty flavor on my perfect lips.

Would it be heaven? Or would it be hell?

_Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean…._

_And thinking of the days that are no more…._

_Sad as the last which reddens over one…_

And here at the edge of the earth, at the edge of my own sanity, I believed with a deep conviction that those tears would be heaven and hell, neatly rolled into one shimmering droplet.

I wish with all my unbeating heart that I would just feel a tear. One tear, glide down, then fall, disappearing. Where do all the tears of the world end up? Have I ever thought to ask?

But it would be hell. Because I realize, with a deep conviction I don't wish to acknowledge, that it wouldn't ease my pain. It wouldn't ease my suffering; take away the raw gash in my heart. It wouldn't be the answer to my unspoken plea, my unvoiced prayer.

It wouldn't be the thing that would allay my aching heart.

Because there is only one thing that has ever been able to do that. And now it's gone.

So I wish to weep.

Would I want to cry, if I already could? Would I still yearn to shed tears?

Or perhaps my desperate longing is just a disguised plea for something I will never be able to have. If I could, I wouldn't want to. And perhaps that is how life tends to work.

Doesn't it?

I leaned down, running my hand over the icy puddle that had accumulated in the alleyway. Gently pulling my fingers back, I placed them on my cheek. Droplets slipped away, running down my face in chilling rivulets.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the world.

Now all my tears were ice. Like the ice that had slowly crept into my heart, my very being.

Icy tears. Fake tears. Just a child's game, a willful fancy.

And one that contained a deep symbolism that I didn't wish to recognize.

So much. Such a long story, and one I didn't desire to acknowledge. One that I didn't want to think about for the rest of my existence. One I knew I would dwell on every day from now until the end of eternity.

My heart has been turned lifeless. My tears have been turned to ice.

And now, where is my fire?

_Dear as remembered kisses after death,_

_And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned_

_On lips that are for others; deep as love,_

_Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;_

_O Death in Life, the days that are no more!_

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**Questions, comments? Keep in mind that this is only a Prelude, there is more to come later. I will be updating as much as possible, but until then, if you haven't checked out my other story, Cygnus, I suggest you do that to pass some of the time. **

**Tell me what you think. There is more to come shortly.**

**Lon-Dubh **


	2. Chapter 1: Don't Lie To Me

**I am truly sorry for the very long delay. I've been having some... family issues. I'll just leave it at that. I would have had this up sooner, but the Doc. Manager wouldn't let me upload files.**

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_Do we call it fate, when things seem to fall into place as if they were prearranged? Do we call it destiny if our lives seem to keep going down the same road, regardless of how many twists and turns we make? Or is it just chance?_

I banished these thoughts from my mind as I leaned my head casually on Edward's hard shoulder. His iron arms wrapped around me gently, but protectively; as if protecting me from the horrors of the Cullen house when every occupant but the "adults" were present.

I closed me eyes, leisurely enjoying the feel of his arms around me. His cold breath gently tickling my hair as he rested his head softly on my own. It was possible, if only for a few brief moments, to pretend as if nothing else existed. That nothing else could reach you, could possibly mar the simple yet crystalline beauty of the moment.

"Crash!" The loud sound, triply amplified to my sensitive ears, caused me to jolt painfully out of my serene reverie.

"Emmett!" The voice was impossible not to recognize, though at the moment it was ear-breakingly loud and an octave or two higher. I opened my eyes reluctantly, straining to hear. Soft thuds sounding up the stairs told me quite clearly who was coming as I struggling into a sitting position.

The polished, walnut door opened so swiftly it blurred, slamming with its momentum into the wall; cracking the mellow beige paint. Emmett hurled in the room, almost falling over the couch Edward and I were nestled on in his haste. His dark curling hair flew into his half-amused, half-feverish eyes as he quickly scanned the room for viable hiding places.

"Emmett!" The shriek came again, though significantly closer. Emmett, not saying a word, hurdled into Edward's closet, slamming the door hastily behind him. I looked at Edward in bewilderment, completely nonplussed. His pale face was contorted into an expression of amusement and irritation, already knowing what was occurring due to his telepathy.

I opened my mouth to ask, when he quickly shook his head, bronze hair gently falling over his forehead. Pulling me backwards swiftly with strong arms, he gently embraced me as he had before. As if a large vampire hadn't almost broken down the door to escape the rage of his wife.

The door swung open again, with slightly less force, but still enough to faintly dent the wall. I winced slightly, picturing Esme's face when she saw it. Rosalie swept in, clad in faded and stained jeans, looking like she was posing using a "natural" theme. I eyed her in mild surprise; usually her clothing was no less than spotless. But there she was, her golden hair dishelved, wearing stained clothes, her eyes narrowed in fury.

"Where is he?" Her voice was calmer, but no less menacing than her previous yelling.

Edward sat up, gently arranging me alongside him. "What?" His expression was bland, innocent. I stared at him surprised. He usually didn't harbor his fugitive brother when Rosalie was after his blood. Figuratively of course.

"Oh yes, Edward!" She snarled blisteringly, whirring around as she tried to catch his scent. "Pretend _like you don't know_. Like you didn't hear me… And you can't read my mind and know exactly what's going on…"

Edward's face turned theatrically from bemused innocence to annoyance. He glared at Rosalie balefully, answering. "Of course I do. Why do you assume I'm hiding Emmett? You're being absurd."

Rosalie glared at him for a moment, shifting her weight from foot to foot. "Fine! But if you see that idiot husband of mine, tell me. He's worse off than last night's hunting kill when I get my hands on him." She raised her voice slightly at the end of the statement, clearing broadcasting the threat to the rest of the house. I couldn't resist a smile that came involuntarily to my lips, picturing the feline yet elegant gracefulness of Rosalie as she ripped the lion's throat out.

She swept out of the room, slamming the door so hard behind her the foundation shook. I waited in silence, mutely struggling out of Edward's hold and looking speculatively at the closet. Emmett emerged a few seconds later, grinning conspiratorially at Edward. "Thanks. I owe you one."

A wicked grin spread itself across Edward's perfect lips, his eyes mischievous. But Emmett had already turned away, in pursuit of a safer hideout. "Oh, I know you owe me."

I looked at him sharply, trying to fit the pieces together. "What?" I asked blankly, twisting out of Edward's reach to look at him.

The devilish grin that still had the power to make me catch my breath remained in place as he turned his gaze from the door to me. "Oh, I just needed a favor from Emmett. And this little…incident presented a prefect opportunity."

"What favor?" I demanded curiously.

His shoulders shook with smothered laughter as he studied my expression. When he finally stopped, clearing his throat, his face was a perfectly serene mask. "Oh nothing…"

My bemusement quickly turned into annoyance at his statement. "Fine," I huffed, pulling myself into a standing position. "I don't feel like secrets. I'm leaving. Maybe I'll go to my own room. Or maybe I'll ask someone who knows what you're planning, to tell me…" I turned to walk out, throwing my head back dramatically. Passing Edward, I felt his strong arm circle my waist, pulling my back towards him.

"Please don't," his cool breath played across my ear, his voice caressing. I turned to glare at him, ready to make a scathing response, when I met his eyes. Melted, deep gold, shining with love and feigned dejection. My breath caught in my throat for a moment, and I tried to turn away, unsuccessfully.

"Please don't leave…" He whispered again, leaning down and gently pressing his icy lips against my throat. I inhaled sharply as he slowly moved to my jaw line, his nose skimming my cheek. His arms tightened around me, drawing me closer as we leaned back into the couch.

I leaned my head back, closing my eyes, simply enjoying the pleasure of the moment. I tilted my head back as his smooth lips softly connected with my own, sending an electric shock through my body. It was just bliss, pure unadulterated bliss….

"Edward!" I suddenly snapped out of my reverie, struggling to remember why I was annoyed at him. "Stop trying to distract me."

He leaned in again, his bronze hair in disarray. Touching my neck, I could feel his chilled lips curve into a smile. "Am I distracting you?" Edward asked blandly, casually, as he continued to slowly trace the contours of my neck.

"Hmmm." I exhaled. "Edward! Stop it, I mean it!"

"Do you?" He asked, breath coldly playing across my collarbone.

"Yes!" I struggled into a sitting position, annoyed. More at myself than him admittedly, but annoyed nonetheless. I glared at his dazzling face, willing myself not to get lost in its brilliance. "Why won't you tell me what you need Emmett for?"

Edward pursed his lips, his face abruptly turning calculating. "I told you, just this and that…"

I snorted in disgust. "It's never just '_this and that'_ with you Edward. What is it?"

He made no move to answer, diverting his gaze slightly as he idly played with a strand of my hair. "Fine," I snapped, truly peeved. "_Fine_," I repeated, pulling away and standing up. "Like I said before, I'll go to my room." I paused momentarily, mentally calculating my chances. "Actually, I think I'll go ask someone who can tell me."

I turned around, angrily crossing the room. What didn't he want to tell me? In my anger, I still felt the vague pain of melancholy. This was really our first fight. We had been together for a little over two months, but he apparently didn't think it was necessary to share things with me. _Stupid, idiotic, arrogant vampire…_

_Stupid, idiotic, arrogant vampire that you love far more than you've admitted._ I amended silently. At times, times like this one, I sometimes felt fleeting thoughts of doubt flicker through my mind. Edward loved me. But how much? Was it the deep, eternal kind of love I felt for him? Or the fleeting, ephemeral kind that seems to end as soon as it begins?

I yanked open the door angrily, (it was really being abused today, wasn't it?) and was about to step into the hallway when Edward's velvety voice called back to me. "Bella? Alice won't tell you." He left the important part unsaid. _Alice won't tell you, I've told her not to…_

I snarled angrily, slamming the door even harder than Rosalie had. It must be very resistant wood. Muttering angrily under my breath, I stalked down the hallway to my own room, pulling the door open and flinging myself onto a couch.

I leaned my head back into the soft, plush pillows, trying to calm myself. _So what if Edward won't tell you something? So what if Alice obviously won't either. It doesn't matter._

_If you're bad at lying to other people, you're even worse at lying to yourself. _

Angrily, I grabbed the closest object within reach (luckily it was a cushion) and flung it furiously at a wall. The pale blue object went soaring through the air, smacking into the matching hyacinth wall with a muffled thump. I ground my head back into the couch, silently fuming as I stared intensely at the patterned ceiling.

I didn't share a room with Edward. We were close, and coming to know each other better, but I had only known him for a few months. That wasn't enough time in my book.

I must have being lying there, silently lost in my own irritation for longer than I thought. A gentle knock sounded outside my door, diverting my attention. "Come in," I snapped, aggravated, not looking to see who it was.

"Bella, I'm sorry." My head snapped around when I heard the soft cadence of his smooth voice. He slowly opened the door, shutting it softly behind him. Moving gracefully towards him, I struggled into a sitting position. "I didn't mean to upset you." He gazed pointedly at the spot next to me. "May I sit?"

I stared at him stonily, letting the cold silence speak for itself. He sighed, running his hand through his messy hair. Slowly, he lowered himself next to me, looking me in the eye.

"I really didn't mean to upset you, and I'm not trying to keep secrets from you."

"Then why won't you tell me what it is?" I snapped, my pointed tone contrasting sharply with his calm demeanor.

"Bella, it really is nothing. Nothing important," he added hastily, seeing my disbelieving look. "Would you understand me if I said it was a boy thing?"

Somehow, _Edward_; calm, collected, perfect _Edward_, saying that phrase seemed to be amusing. Reluctantly, I began laughing. His disconcerted face smoothed into a soft smile at the ebb in my temper.

I allowed him to pull me close, gently resting my head against his granite chest. Slowly the atmosphere faded into the serene bliss it had before.

"Edward?" I asked, seriously.

"Hmm?" He leaned into my hair, breathing in my scent.

"If something were important, you would tell me, wouldn't you?"

Silence stretched in the air, and I shifted discontentedly. "I mean, you won't keep secrets from me, will you?"

More silence. Abruptly the atmosphere held an edge of deep sobriety. Then he sighed, a strange tone in his voice I couldn't quite identify. "Yes, Bella. I would tell you." He paused for a moment, looking for the right words. "I love you Bella. More than I believe you realize. I won't keep secrets."

I smiled slightly, leaning against him, breathing in his intoxicating scent. "Good."

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**So, how was it for a first chapter? Rather slow, in a way. But also crucial, with some rather obvious foreshadowing… Whatever you think of the chapter, you need to remember Edward and Bella's conversation if you plan on continuing reading. It will be vital later on… (There, even more not-so-subtle foreshadowing.)**

**I'll try to get my personal life sorted out soon. I'm trying not to let it affect my fanfictions, but some of you can attest that there is a delicate balance at times.**

**Lon-Dubh. **


	3. Chapter 2: Instinct

**Finally! I am proud to say that I've worked out a system. I should be able to update at least once Monday/Tuesday. Don't expect an update on Wednesday or Thursday because I'm on my school**

**S volleyball team and we typically have matches those days. There will be acceptations, though. I should also be able to update at least once, if not three times every Friday/Saturday/Sunday. I appreciate your patience at I've been figuring out my personal life. I even would have gotten this to you sooner, but my computer wasn't being cooperative. **

**Anyways, it's a moderately long chapter to make up for the wait.**

**Enjoy!**

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Bella's POV:

I smiled, breathing in the fresh scent accompanying the sunrise. Though clouds would soon obscure the sky, at the moment it was a picturesque azure. With my heightened smell, I easily could detect the scent of the moist, rich soil and sweet sticky sap clinging to the bark of trees. Emerald leaves twirled in the slight breeze overhead, sending a chorus of gentle whispers throughout the valley.

"Bella?" He didn't bother to raise his voice above that of speaking level, though he was quite a distance away.

My voice was louder as I replied, not yet being accustomed to the full extent of my abilities. "Yes?"

Faint rustling reached my sensitive ears as he approached. Seconds later, he emerged from the trees, stray leaves clinging precariously to his bronze hair that glinted in the sunlight. A slow smile spread involuntarily across my lips as I watched him move slowly through the patch of sun, skin glinting like the diamonds of fresh snow. Stepping into the shade, he took my hand gently, scrutinizing my face with his usual intensity.

"Why did you come here?" His voice was probing, but careful. I had to stop myself from laughing at his circumspectness.

"No reason, I suppose. It was just quiet, and I needed to think."

Moving closer, he gently played with my fingers, running his free hand through my windswept hair. "Thinking?" He murmured, raising an eyebrow slightly.

"Hmmm," I answered, leaning into his solid strength.

I felt his shoulders heave as he sighed, still tracing my hair delicately. "And may I enquire as to what you were thinking about?" his voice holding vague amusement, but also genuine curiosity.

I shrugged, resting my forehead against his granite chest. "I don't know. I didn't get around to the thinking part before someone interrupted me."

"Bella," he said disapprovingly. "Weren't you the one who mad me swear not to be keeping secrets less than six hours ago?" I squirmed uncomfortably. "Besides," he added with more humor, "you should fully realize by now what an abysmal liar you are."

I pulled away, looking into his eyes. They were cast into shadow, somehow making his expression look even deeper. I reached up, lightly tracing under his eyes with the tip of my finger. His pale face relaxed slightly as I stared up at him, contemplating my answer.

"I don't know. I'm doing my best, but sometimes it's hard to forget. I keep getting this feeling that…. Something's wrong. I can't describe it." I lifted my shoulders, pulling my hand back away from his suddenly sober face.

"Alice has been getting visions. Troubling ones." He said abruptly, crossing his arms as he casually leaned against the moss covered tree trunk behind him. My breath caught in my throat as I took in the meaning of his swift words. "Nothing distinct," he added, seeing my anxious expression. "But the vagueness makes her…. edgy."

I frowned, trying to find a link. But my brain seemed to be unable to function, my thought processes ending almost before they began. "Well, there's one good thing."

"And what's that?"

"Jasper can't keep complaining I'm giving him migraines. I'm not the only one."

Edward chuckled, a slight hint of disguised bleakness to the tone. "Can vampires get headaches?" I asked as an afterthought.

He smiled, this time genuinely amused. "I wouldn't know. I've never gotten one. And seeing as I'm the telepath of the family, I would think I'd know better than most."

I leaned into him once again, feeling his cold strong arms wrap protectively around me. He bent down, inhaling my scent in measured breaths. "Do you not like it, reading minds I mean?"

He pause for a moment, his lips pressing softly bellow my ear. "There are times I wish I couldn't hear." He paused, his cool breath caressing my neck as he chuckled lightly. "But then, it has its advantages…."

I leaned my head back, lazily closing my eyes. Faint birdsong reached my ears, echoing through the virtually deserted forest in an oddly haunting tune. "Would you care to elaborate?"

"Hmmm," he breathed, moving his lips back to my face. His phone unexpectedly buzzed, vibrating in his pocket. Pulling away with an annoyed expression, I fished the device out of his pocket, flipping it open sharply.

"Yes Alice?"

With my enhanced hearing, I could make out what Alice was saying even from a few feet away. "I know that kissing Bella is terribly important, but I just thought I needed to interrupt to tell you something.

I could see Edward's eyes rolling in the shadows, subtly shifting his body position closer to my own. "And what is it?"

"We're all leaving to go hunting now; I thought you might like to know."

"And you couldn't have told me before I left? Or didn't you think I could follow your scent?"

"Edward, if I hadn't called to tell you, you'd be annoyed at me for not calling." She paused, her voice turning slightly ominous. "And stop rolling your eyes Edward. It isn't polite. Particularly when the person isn't even there to defend themselves."

"I'd say you're defending yourself fairly well," he observed dryly.

"I have an unfair advantage. You should get out of the habit. And you would have been angry if I hadn't called to tell you." She paused for dramatic effect. "I know these things…"

Edward sighed exasperated, running his long fingers absent mindedly through his bronze hair. "You know a lot, Alice. Or you think you know a lot. I know things too."

"I knew you would say that," Alice's sniff from the other side of the phone-line was almost audible. "And you will hang up on me in twenty-one seconds."

"Would you like me to time it?"

"That's an intelligent idea. For once…"

Edward sighed, his tone scathing. "Fine, you win."

Snapping the silver phone closed, he rolled his eyes again. "You don't bet against Alice."

Smiling slightly, I replied. "Somehow, I'd gathered that from past experiences." I paused, turning to glance at the shadowed woodland behind me. "Should we go?"

"I suppose so," he replied, a slight tone of irony in his voice.

I giggled, pulling my long brown hair behind my shoulder. "Race you."

I took off, running as fast as I could through the green forest. I knew that it wouldn't be any use, that Edward was faster than me on his slowest day. Trees whipped by me in an emerald blur as I raced through the woods, leaves shuddering in the breeze I created in my passing.

Edward's amused, pale face appeared in my peripheral vision within seconds, his godlike features serenely mirthful. We both knew I would never best him. Not in running at least.

And then I smelled it.

_It was close, warm, intoxicating._

I had never smelled anything like it.

_Hot, running blood._

I halted, stock-still, nostrils flared. The heady scent washed over me, overpowering my senses and reason.

I had never smelled anything so delicious. So inviting. I had to have it. I had to feel it, running through my teeth and down my burning throat. Animal instinct took over, pushing aside all thoughts of morality and reason I had.

Faintly, in the back of my mind, I felt nauseated at myself. I could I let this happen? Why wasn't I resisting, fighting? Even among other humans, the paramedics, it had been nothing in compared to this. It had been difficult before, but this was just impossible. Impossible to resist, to fight, as it was to block out the sun.

I was moving, heading in the direction before I could fully register what was happening. Nothing else mattered but the blood. Nothing else was in my world but that intoxicatingly delicious scent. I couldn't' resist the animal. Couldn't' fight the monster struggling to the surface inside me. Couldn't…

"Bella, NO!" I felt Edward's cold arms wrap around my waist, pulling me away from the scent. "No!"

I fought desperately against him, not fully registering that this was the man I loved, that I cared about more than anything else. Bella was gone. All that remained was the monster.

There was no control. No resistance. Nothing but thirst. Insatiable thirst that could not be satisfied in any way but by feeling that warm rich blood sliding down my throat…

I fought, struggling wildly. "No!" I snarled, feral. I snapped at my holder. It was no longer Edward. It was no longer the person I loved. It was something between me and my prey.

_Nothing came between me and my prey. _

_Nothing._

"Bella, No! Don't Bella, please, resist it Bella. Fight. I know you can. Fight."

But his urgent words, still smooth as velvet, were merely a background noise. An annoyance, like a mosquito buzzing around your ear. I couldn't fight.

_How could I fight myself?_

My world was enveloped in a red haze, blood red as my quarry. I couldn't think. I couldn't do anything but obey instinct. Let the monster that lurked deep within me take control.

"Bella! Bella!"

With an insane strength I didn't know I possessed, I wrenched myself from Edward's grasp. And then I was off. Running faster than I ever had before.

The emerald forest was washed red. Ruby red. Blood red. _A premonition_. A warning.

And then I was there. Two humans stood in the clearing, both of them facing me. Both males. Insignificant. Nothing could stand in my way. One's hand was slit, a piece of wood sticking jaggedly out of the wound. _Blood. Delicious, running blood…_

I saw their eyes widen in fear. Saw them both go still at my savage appearance, the sound of my snarls ripping with a feral intensity through my barred teeth.

_Blood. Fresh. Warm. Intoxicating. Irresistible._

_No! No, don't do it! Stop! _

Was the voice inside my head?

It didn't matter. There was only one thing that mattered.

The vague traces of my Self remained. Screaming at me to stop. That I would regret it. That I knew it was wrong. To fight.

But I couldn't. There was no fighting it. No resisting this call.

My Self trembled. Shrank back into the corner of my mind, where it hoped it could not see my monstrous actions.

_Red. Running. Hot. Delicious._

_No!_

I lunged.

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**How's that for a cliffhanger? I decided though I wanted to show the growing relationship between Edward and Bella, I needed to mix in some action. You**

**Re already into the plot of the story. I think it's a personal record.**

**I'll update as soon as I can.**

**Lon-Dubh **


	4. Chapter 3: The Winter of Our Discontent

**Hello, everyone. I will try to update again within one or two days. I would be able to update more, but my French teacher decided to be evil and give me a homework stack as tall as the Eiffel Tower. However, I'll update as soon as possible.**

**Thanks to my beta, lizbre, once again for her help and quickness. **

**Enjoy.**

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Bella's POV:

So close. So terribly, awfully close to the trickling, appetizing blood before me. Delicious. Mouthwatering.

The world seemed to be washed in a faint shade of red. The emerald trees and sky around me seemed dimmed, blurred. The only thing that was crystal clear was my prey. That was the only thing that mattered.

_Red. All the red._

_So terribly, awfully close…_

"Wham!" Something smashed into me with enough force to send me flying against a tree. It cracked under my momentum, showering me with fluttering leaves and chips of bark. A snarl built in my throat as leaped agilely back to my feet, the green underbrush clinging precariously to my clothing and hair.

Dirt covered my body, as well as shattered, brown bark. My nostrils flared with my fevered eyes, desperate to reach my prey. I had to have the blood. So warm, so fresh. More tempting than anything I had ever smelled before. I could only imagine how it tasted…

Stepping forward again, I felt hands clamp around my waist, roughly restraining me. I snarled, shrieking protest and hate for something that was keeping me from my prey.

"Bella! Bella! Stop. It's okay Bella. Bella!" The voice reached me as if from a great distance, oddly echoing. It was just a minor annoyance. Who was Bella? This monster, this thing that pleaded for fresh warm blood wasn't her.

_I wasn't Bella._

The iron grip loosened slightly, and I seized the chance. Struggling wildly, and snarling, I jerked away from my captor. The man stood just forty feet in front of me. Foolish human…

"No!" More hands restrained me, pulling me back.

I had to have the blood. There was no way to resist. No way to fight it….

"Bella!" The voice, roughly smooth managed to reach me through my hazed reverie. The familiar, loving sound of that voice was enough to make me pause. Where had I heard it before?

Slowly, I let my arms hang limply by my sides, lowering my head. The scent of blood still swirled around me like a grisly yet beautiful perfume, but I was slowly regaining some sense of civility. Of Self.

"What the hell is going on???" The human's voice was raised a few octaves, loud and fearful. My head snapped up, the fever in my eyes slightly diminished. The humans' faces were smeared with dirt, but it didn't hide the garish pallor. His blue eyes were wide and fearful, the hated phantasm I made clearly frightening him.

That face, so open, so fearful, was enough to finally jolt me back to myself.

Shame rushed through me. A deep, horrible guilt that choked me, making me glad I didn't have to breathe. My dark hair hung around my face like a soiled curtain, dirt and other natural debris clinging to it. My clothes were ripped and mussed, my perfect skin untouched.

_How could I let this happen? How could I not be stronger? How can I be this monster?_

_I would have killed that man. I would have. I would have drank is blood, murdered him mercilessly for nothing more than the fact he smelled good. If I hadn't been stopped…._

I felt the hard arms release me. Raising my head slowly, I stared straight into Edward's troubled face. His features so beautiful, so perfect, they seemed to add to my torment. Vaguely, I registered he fact that Emmett, Alice, and Carlisle were in the clearing as well.

My stomach twisted, leaving me feeling cold and empty.

_Soulless. _

My knees trembled. A tortured cry tore from my lips and I sank to the damp ground. Bending my head down, I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms around my body. As if I could restrain myself.

I was a monster. I would have been a murderer.

Choked, tearless sobs tore from my lips, and I didn't attempt to quiet them. Suddenly, the vivid day seemed so dark. So terribly blackened.

_Remorse. Guilt. Self-hate. _

_How could I? How could I be so weak? _

"Bella? Bella, its okay. Shhh," that velvety voice again. Edward. My angel. What monster had a guardian angel though? Which monster deserved one?

Sobs tore from my chest, echoing through the heavy air. I could smell the mild scent of soil, the sweet sap that coated my clothes.

"It's okay Bella. It's all right." Cold hands tentatively touched my shoulder, comforting me.

"No!" I cried, my eyes shut tightly. As if I could block myself from the world. I needed to protect the world from myself. "No…"

"Bella. Please, Bella, look at me." Slowly, I opened my eyes, lifting my head. Edward's face was close to my own, his bronze hair tousled and amber eyes anxious.

I stared at him for an instant, shame overriding my senses. "Edward," I whispered, my expression distorting from guilt and inert pain. Obscuring my face by the curtain of my dark hair, I averted my gaze.

"Bella. Bella, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." The ludicrousness of the statement caused my head to snap up in surprise.

"Say I'll forgive _you_? For what, not being able to control _me_?" I laughed a mirthless, hysterical laugh. The sound made chills run up my spine. "For not being able to hold me? For stopping me in time? What did you do? It was me. All me. All my fault."

I bit my lower lip, my expression twisted in pain. I didn't deserve such an angel as this. An uncontrollable, obscene monster didn't deserve anything but fire.

His strong hands rested on my shoulders, pulling me toward him. I leaned my forehead against his stone chest, trembling with tearless sobs. "It's okay Bella. We've all slipped. And you didn't do any real harm. It's okay."

I don't know how long I sat there, leaning into Edward's reassuring strength, sitting on the moist ground. Gradually, my sobs subsided. It was long enough to help me get control. To come to terms with what had happened. But not long enough to forgive myself.

Exhaling, I slowly leaned away, climbing to my feet. Emmett and Alice had disappeared, and Carlisle was kneeling by the two humans. Both lay limply on the ground, their heads lolling to the side. Alarmed, I stepped toward them, Edward closely behind.

"Are they alright?" My voice sounded flat, oddly hoarse.

Carlisle answered without looking up, carefully examining the men. "Yes, they're fine. Alice thought it… prudent to knock them out for the time being."

I swallowed convulsively, staring at their now peaceful faces. They had been inches, literally, from death. What if Alice hadn't Seen me? Would they be lying on the ground as they were now, but as pale, lifeless corpses? Would the soil be soaked with blood?

_Yes. _

There was only one truthful answer: _yes_. There was no doubt about it.

Carlisle looked up, his golden eyes showing a quiet compassion. Another wave of shame swept through my as I stared back into his gaze. He had never killed. He had never committed the cold-blooded murder I would have surely done. He had been strong enough. And now he was looking at me with a compassion and sympathy I didn't deserve.

"They'll be fine Bella," he said in a low tone, his voice comforting. "There is really no harm done."

I sighed, closing my eyes. I didn't want to look into his serene face. I didn't want to look at any of them. I felt dirty in a way that vaguely reminded me of my human life.

That thought made me frown. _My human life… Hadn't I learned my lesson about holding on to guilt yet?_

"Bella," his voice was soft. "It is partly my fault. I overestimated your control. It hadn't occurred to me you had never smelled running blood. Resisting a person with no open wound is very different from this." He cast a glance at the men, his golden hair falling in disarray over his eyes.

I felt Edward's arms wrap around me, pulling me towards his chest.

"Is it always this hard?" I asked, my lips numb and frozen. The tone was despairing, and desperate.

Edward's cold arms pulled my closer, his head resting comfortingly on my own. "No. It isn't always this hard." He paused, searching for the right words. "Bella, you have only had a few months to adjust to this lifestyle. It isn't enough to have perfect control." His voice halted, pausing. "There is a dark side to every nature, and you have just found ours. It's difficult. And it's hard coming to terms with what we are. But it isn't impossible It takes time."

I didn't respond, staring off into the emerald surroundings. The air was humid, hinting at rain soon to come.

_Could I come to terms with this? _

_In time, perhaps. _

_In time, a lot of things could happen. _

I inhaled, glancing back at the unconscious men. "What are we going to do with them?"

Carlisle smiled slightly, straightening. "I daresay Alice has it figured out."

"Alice seems to have a lot figured out," I responded dryly.

A slight shadow flickered over his serene features, but it was gone as soon as it began. "Yes, she does."

A smile was tugging at my lips, but it quickly fell off my face.

_Alice__'s visions. My sense of danger. What did it add up to? Was this the answer? Or is the tumult yet to come? _

"We need to go. I'll come back in a few minutes, after I've talked to Alice," Carlisle glanced slightly worriedly at the men. "They should be okay, even though Emmett hit them a little harder than necessary." His golden eyes flickered behind me, glancing at Edward. "They should come around in a few hours. We'll have something figured out by then."

I felt Edward shift behind me, nodding. Then Carlisle was gone, vanished into the emerald, gloomy depths of the forest.

Turning, I faced Edward. His beautiful face was smooth, but his eyes emanated anxiety and sympathy.

"Will we have to move?" I asked heavily.

Edward chuckled, smiling slightly. "Yes. A seventeen year-old girl trying to attack civilians, getting tossed into a tree and breaking it in half while not getting so much as a scratch is the kind of thing that tends to attract attention." Pausing, he read my anxious look, continuing. "Not that people will believe them. They might not even believe it themselves. Seeing as they were knocked out, if we play it right, nothing need happen. Moving is just a precaution. And it isn't one we've never had to take before."

Sighing, I shook my head. "Where will we go?"

Edward shrugged, more concerned with me than where we would be living in less than a few days. "Ask Alice."

"That should be the family motto. _Ask Alice_."

"It does have a certain ring to it, doesn't it?" Edward chuckled darkly, shaking his head. "We'll likely end up somewhere in Europe, though. We haven't been there in a long time, and we own property in some of the area."

"I'm sure you do."

Edward chuckled again, lightly playing with a strand of my hair. "It will work out Bella. It always does."

I felt guilt rise again. How could I just dismiss the fact I almost murdered two innocent people?

Reading my gaze, Edward reached, out, gently stroking my cheek. "It gets easier," he said softly, brow furrowed in concern.

I closed my eyes. "Which part?" My tone was despairing, bitter.

Edward's voice showed he knew clearly what I was talking about.

"Resisting, definitely. It's something that takes discipline and years of practice. Years that you don't have." He added. Stopping, he contemplated his other answer, eyes holding an ancient sadness. "The other part… It's more difficult. But like I said, it isn't impossible.

"The family's all gone through the same thing, Bella. And we've had to move unexpectedly before. You can't live in guilt."

"That's a nice statement, coming from_ you_."

Edward laughed softly, then sighed. "I'll help. In any way I can."

I leaned into his chest. "I know you will."

Guilt, shame, despair still battled within me. But I had to learn to control those emotions. I was going to live for eternity. I didn't want to spend eternity in misery when I had someone I loved to spend it with instead.

"'Now is the winter of our discontent.'" Edward quoted Shakespeare quietly, gently stroking my hair.

I smiled sadly, knowing it would be a long time before I could truly come to terms with myself.

_Alice__'s visions. My sense of danger. What did it add up to? Was this the answer? Or is the tumult yet to come? _

_May winter end soon. _

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**For anyone out there who is reading this and is religious or would like to participate anyways:**

_**There is a three-year old boy in my community who was diagnosed with brain cancer and has been given four months to live. His parents can't even afford pain medication. It would be appreciated if you would pray for him. **_

**I'm not meaning to cause offense to anyone who is not religious. I believe that this is a tragic story, and it makes the cruelties of life seem so much more real when they occur in close proximity. **

**---------------------**

**With all well-wishes,**

_**Lon-Dubh**_


	5. Chapter 4: Bittersweet

**Hello. You likely aren't very happy with me at the moment. When I promised in one to two days, for some reason I didn't register the fact that Monday was Labor Day and that I would be busy... Oh, well. I got around to this chapter as soon as I could. **

**Enjoy!**

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Bella's POV:

The florescent brightness of the Sea Tac airport at night was a constant irritation to my perceptive senses. The intercoms, beepings, airplanes, and constant lull of voices seemed to drive me to the very edge of my sanity.

As a group of tourists passed us, busily lugging baggage, I flinched back slightly. My slip in control had severely shaken my self confidence, making me feel vulnerable to giving in again. Edward's cool hand curled over my own as I closed my eyes, leaning my head back as if weary. In truth, I was anything but. My senses buzzed erratically, making it nigh impossible to concentrate fully.

Swallowing my breathing, I cracked an eyelid open. Glancing swiftly at the time, I inwardly groaned. It seemed that it had been ages since we had been waiting for our connection.

"Bella," Edward's voice was near my ear, his breath gently tickling my neck. "Relax. I'll admit, flying to Phoenix then to Dulles, then to Europe is a rather roundabout way to go, but it was all that was open."

I grumbled under my breath indistinctually. Settling back into the hard, synthetic chair, I waited. Scents whirled around my head like millions of perfumes, giving me the urge to sneeze. The idle thought gave me the first smile in days.

"Edward?"

"Hmmm?" His voice sounded distant, as if he wasn't fully paying attention. Turning my gaze on him, I saw him stare fixedly at a traveling soccer team.

"Edward," I growled, narrowing my eyes. His butterscotch gaze flickered back to my own, startled. Taking in my mildly irate expression, he grinned apologetically.

"Now that I have your full attention," I paused, raising my eyebrows, "I have a question for you."

It was his turn to look quizzical as he stared at me expectantly. I continued as if I hadn't paused at all, "Is it possible to be allergic to someone?"

Edward stared at me for a moment, completely nonplussed. "What do you mean, allergic to a person?" His eyebrows were furrowed at his gaze flicked unintentionally behind me again.

"I mean," I explained, "their scent. Is it possible to be allergic to someone's scent?"

He stared at me fully for a few moments, his caramel eyes holding a tumult of amusement, bewilderment, and inquisition. "I don't know," he finally choked, looking suspiciously close to breaking into laughter. "I never have. I'm not sure it's possible." He snorted, casually passing it off as a cough. And the charade would have worked. If it was necessary for vampires to cough in the first place.

"Old habits die hard, huh?"

He gazed back at me for a minute before his smooth expression broke into a warm smile. "I'm sorry," he apologized. "I'm used to lying to humans. It's more difficult with you."

I stared balefully back, rolling my eyes. "I thought we already had a conversation about lying?"

"True," he agreed glibly. "But in the context of something important. This doesn't qualify."

Rolling my eyes again, I settled back into the chair. Smiling softly when Edward stroked my hand, I immediately stiffened when he snatched his arm away. Snapping my attention to him, I followed his gaze. Edward stared fixedly at the same group of soccer players, lips parted slightly in a snarl. An almost inaudible growl rumbled from his chest as he glared, eyes seeming to emit sparks.

"Edward," I hissed, urgently grabbing his shoulder. "Behave!"

Unwillingly, he turned back to me, eyes apologetic but still retaining traces of their former fury.

"What's the matter?"

"Them," he responded tersely, chancing another glance at the boys.

"Do you care to be more specific?" I pursued, annoyed.

Amusement flickered into his enigmatic gaze as he interpreted my tone. "Their thoughts. They are very— childish."

I raised my eyebrows questioningly, knowing the answer to my next question before I asked it. "Childish as in two year-olds or childish as in immature eighteen year-olds?"

Edward looked at me, eyes narrowed. "You know."

"Yes, I do," I replied agreeably. "But it's funny to hear you say it."

He growled again, eyes sliding back to the group. "Edward, honestly," I sighed in exasperation. "I can't hear what they're saying. Or thinking," I amended. "It doesn't bother me."

"Well, it bothers me."

"Do you really think there's any competition? If you do, that superiority complex just have turned into an inferiority complex."

"No," he admitted grudgingly. "But it's annoying."

"You have nothing to worry about," I slid a furtive glance that I knew Edward wouldn't miss at the soccer jocks. "Besides. I don't tend to be attracted to guys wearing canary yellow."

For a moment, it looked as if he was unsure to snarl or laugh. The latter won, and he pulled me into his lap, chuckling warmly. "Alright. I'll behave."

"You'd better," I grumbled. "Now if you don't mind, I need some beauty sleep."

Edward chuckled, pulling closer. I rested me cheek contentedly against his hard chest, breathing evenly. I bit my lip to keep from smiling as Edward's lips smoothly trailed down my hair. "And I'll watch you sleep. If you don't mind."

Chewing the inside of my cheek, I composed my expression into a serene mask. Even if I could sleep, it would have been impossible with Edward gently stroking my hair and back.

After a few minutes of contented peace, Alice's typically musical voice broke into our happy reverie. "Not that discussing allergies and men's sporting wear aren't riveting topics of discussion, I thought you'd might like to know we're boarding soon."

I opened my eyes, searching for Alice. She was perched lightly on the edge of the chair, gazing around the passing people with a look of vague interest on her face. I flinched slightly as particularly inviting scent came into my senses, stiffening. Edward's arms tightened around me, and I shut my eyes firmly.

"It's alright, Bella," he murmured softly. I mutely nodded, reluctantly scooting of off his lap. Stiffly I climbed to my feet, warily breathing. Edward rose after me, gently resting his hand on my shoulder. I twisted slightly to glance at him. His bronze hair was in its normal disarray, strands falling lightly over his forehead. Smiling, I gently pulled them to the side, my hand skimming against his jaw line.

He chuckled, snapping his head up as the flight attendant announced that the flight was boarding. "Ask Alice," I murmured, turning. Edward's melodic chuckle sounded behind me as I slung my duffle bag over my shoulder, making a conscious effort not to accidentally toss it the length of the airport terminal.

"Shall we?" I asked, mock formal.

"Ladies first," he smiled back, holding out his arm as if the escort me. Taking it, he bowed elegantly, completely ignoring the bemused stares he got from strangers.

Grinning, I had taken one step towards the boarding area when the local news came on, reaching me easily.

"Hello and welcome to news at ten o'clock." I didn't turn to watch the television mounted on the wall, but I could tell the anchor was a female and middle-aged. "In news today, we have the report that a woman, Anna Wilson, was killed in a tragic car accident earlier today. Anna, mother of one child, was killed when driving down the highway on her way home from work when she took a head on head collision with another car. A lane of traffic was closed down as the police and ambulance arrived, but Anna was pronounced dead on the scene." The lady's voice was –pleasant but detached, containing just the right amount of pity. "Anna's only daughter, Ellen, is to be left in the custody of her stepfather, Phil Dwyer."

I stopped dead in my tracks, breath catching in my throat. Whipping around, I managed to briefly catch a glimpse of a picture of a young teenage girl, blonde hair falling in curling waves over her shoulders.

"Phil Dwyer, married to Anna Wilson for a couple of months, has opted for custody of Ellen. Though the court ruling has yet to be officiated, it is believed he will win the suit on the basis that Ellen has no surviving blood relatives. On other news today, the War in Iraq is…"

But her voice had faded off into the distance. Vaguely, I felt Edward's arm over my own, restraining me. Strangely blurred imaged crashed through my mind.

_Phil, yelling, screaming. _

_Phil, his arms raised to strike a woman whose face wasn't quite clear. _

_Phil, his leering face too close. _

_His voice, echoing back to me. _

_The feel of his hands as he struck me… _

_The rage that had boiled inside as I had watched him hit my mother…. _

The emotions cascaded into me faster than I could keep track of. Dimly, I was aware the entire family had stopped.

But all I could do was stare into space.

I saw the picture again. The depiction of that girl, Ellen Wilson. Her smile happy and slightly nervous. Her brown eyes laughing a little unsurely. Her hair, gently falling over her shoulders.

All I could see was her smiling, innocent face.

_No. _

The word echoed through my mind.

_No. _

I would not allow what happened tome happen to her. I would not let my story become another's.

She would never hold that same look as before her mother died. That I knew with a deep conviction I could not give words to. But I wouldn't let even more sorrows be added to that face which must have changed so drastically within such a short amount of time.

I wouldn't.

_No. _

I had been fortunate enough to have a happy ending. But I had been lucky. How much luck was there left in the world for girls like her?

As if receiving as vision like Alice, I could clearly picture her face in a few years. Closed, guarded. Those eyes that had once laughed to gaily now holding a quiet yet tragic sadness that she would never admit to.

The best she could ever hope for was a bittersweet ending.

_No. _

I had to do something. I wanted to scream, wanted to yell at the world for being so cruel. For being so twisted.

Breathing deeply, I vaguely became aware of Edward holding me in a vice-like grip. The hum of voices that had so annoyed me before seemed to be oddly muted. As if I was listening to them from underwater.

_Bittersweet. _

But it would be just bitter.

I realized then, that my past wasn't truly closed off. Not until this was finished. Not until I had stopped this.

I didn't know what I was planning, what I was going to do. How I was going to do it.

But it didn't matter.

I had tried to run from my past. But it had caught up with me in one swift blow, I might as well not have even tried.

_I could walk away. _

The thought occurred to me suddenly. _I could leave those painful memories behind_. _I don't have to reopened the wounds that are so fragilely healed._

The girl's face came back to me again.

_No I couldn't. _

_Bittersweet. _

It kept echoing in my mind.

Life was rarely anything but that.

But it wouldn't be just bitter.

Closing my eyes, I didn't know what to do. How to do it.

Breathing deeply, the phrase repeated itself to me, over and over again.

_Bittersweet. _

Smiling grimly, I opened my eyes.

_It was time to take care of some old business. _

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**I can't think of any witty remarks at the moment. I was redoing my profile with some quotes, and they are making anything I happen to be thinking of at the moment seem rather insignificant...**

**Until then,**

**_Lon-Dubh_**


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